


A Love That's Not So Blind

by softsadcancer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blind Character, Blindness, Boyfriends, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 05:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20483492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softsadcancer/pseuds/softsadcancer
Summary: "Dan, I'm losing my sight."Phil may be blind, but who's to say things between them have to change? Everything will be fine.Right?That's the question on Dan's mind.





	A Love That's Not So Blind

  
It was slowly starting to make sense.

"Dan, there's something I need to tell you."

But why didn't he see this earlier?

"What?"

It was all right there in front of him.

"Please don't be mad."

The special glasses.

"Why? Did you lose one of my things?"

The visits to the ophthalmologist.

"It's, uh...no."

His sudden clumsiness and apparent ability to walk into things.

"Then?"

It wasn't what he lost. It was what he was losing.

"Dan, I'm losing my sight."

Who was the real blind man here?

At that moment, unable to react, Dan simply stared at Phil, trying to process what had just been said. He felt a shortage of breath, like someone had just knocked the air out of his lungs. He dropped the mug of tea he was holding, the sound of the crashing mug echoing the room. But no, that wasn't the sound that echoed in Dan's ears; all he could hear was, "I'm losing my sight," over and over again.

Dan continued to stare at Phil whose bright blue eyes brimmed with tears. "I'm so sorry, Dan." He whispered. He took a step forward and fell into Dan's arms. "I wanted to tell you sooner but," he choked back a sob, "I thought I was getting better, I really was and I didn't want to worry you but now.." Phil couldn't continue as his shoulders slumped and his sobs grew louder.

Dan was still in a state of shock as he held Phil, clinging on to him. Losing his sight? Was he really going blind? No, that couldn't be possible, not to his dear Phil. He felt his world crumble; Phil, his best friend, lover, his own world, was falling apart right in front of him. This beautiful smiling man with those bright brilliant blue eyes was withering away to this frail helpless soul whose eyes would no longer serve him. Watching Phil in his state hurt him, and he knew he needed someone to support him, like what Phil did for Dan during his struggling years.

_"I hate everything about life, nothing good ever comes from it and sometimes I wish I was dead."_

_"Why would you wish that?"_

_"I just told you, everything is horrible and life is nothing but a joke, especially mine and I just feel like my existence is of no significance to this earth. No one loves me or accepts me for who I am and I just hate it all. No one gets me."_

_"Dan, don't say that, it's not true."_

_"Yes it is, you wouldn't know it because your life is just amazing and wonderful and you're so outgoing and friendly and everyone loves you; I have no one."_

_"You've got me."_

_"No Phil, that's not the point, you don't understand! No one does!"_

_"Then help me understand."_

_"That's not how it works; you can't expect me to tell you how it is because it's this horrible feeling within me that won't go away, this voice that always haunts me and tells me horrible things about me and you know what? He's right, I am a worthless human being."_

_"Dan.."_

_"I am! What have I ever done on this planet that was even remotely useful or helpful or anything that can prove my worth? Face it, I'm just worthless, unloved and will die alone."_

_"Dan, you came into my life, changed it and turned it upside down. But I don't regret it because I love you."_

He tightly hugged Phil, feeling his own eyes begin to prick with tears. He gently kissed Phil's head, caressing his wet cheek as the tears began to flow freely down his own face. "It's okay." Dan finally said, in a wobbly voice, as he tried to stay strong for both of them. "We'll work through it, we always do."

Since then, Dan spent every minute he had with Phil, going through a small list they put together of the things they should do before Phil saw nothing more than darkness. They only had a few weeks but it was the best couple of weeks of their life, just being together; be it cuddling up and watching a movie, making a day trip to beaches and walking hand in hand, kissing under the stars or even just sitting on their laptops; just being in each other's presence made them happy.

"Just know this, Phil," Dan said, holding Phil's hand as they sat for dinner at a restaurant. "This, this thing about your sight, it won't affect my love for you. Nothing will change between us, okay?" He brought Phil's hand to his lips and kissed. "I love you, Phil Lester." He said, looking straight at him. It would be one of the last times he would ever look at him and have him look back.

"I love you too." Phil whispered, smiling as his eyes began to water. Dan gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand. _Don't cry_, he mouthed. Phil nodded as they dug into their meal. Everything after that seemed fine, almost normal; things were good and the blindness was temporarily forgotten. Life seemed great.

But that was weeks ago, the big announcement, the dates, the everything.

Dan was alone in the apartment, sitting on the couch in front of a blank television screen and fidgeting with the tissues in his hands. He looked at the clock from time to time, wiping away the silent tears that fell down his already damp face.

He should be there, at the hospital, with Phil and his family, giving them moral support. He knew they needed it as much as he did, maybe even more. He was their youngest son and Martyn's only brother. But when he kissed Phil before he went into the surgery room, it hit just hit him that this would be the last time Phil would ever see. And Dan couldn't take it as he broke down shortly. Phil tried to comfort him as much as he could, tears streaming down his own face as he tried to be strong for them both.

"Come on, please don't cry," Phil said, poking Dan's dimple. "I don't want the last image of you in my head to be of you crying. How depressing would that be? It's already bad enough that my last image of you isn't going to be of your shirtless or pantless."

Dan laughed through the tears. "You're such a spoon, was last night not enough for you?"

Giving him one last kiss, Phil said, "Never enough."

Bidding the rest of his family goodbye, it wasn't long before he was taken away and all the laughs turned to sobs. Dan leaned his head against the wall and slammed it. Why was he so weak? There were Phil's parents, braving through it all, Martyn trying his best to not let his facade fall through and here he was, dissolving into a puddle of tears.

"You go on home, Dan, we'll bring him back for you." Phil's mother said, wrapping her arms around him as he cried quietly.

"N-no, I need t-t-to be here for hi-him." Dan weakly protested, wiping his tears. "I need t-to be strong f-for him."

"And you have." His mother whispered, getting emotional. "All this time, you have been his rock." She kissed Dan's head and hugged him. "He'll understand."

Martyn couldn't say anything, feeling the pain Dan felt as he put his hand on Dan's shoulder. He struggled to keep his voice as calm as he could. Dan could tell he wanted to cry. "He will." Martyn finally said.

Reluctantly, Dan left the hospital, crying the whole way home. He had never cried so much in his whole life. And he had never laughed as much either or done any of the things he's done had it not been for Phil. He helped Dan in ways he couldn't imagine. So could Dan do the same?

_Of course, I can._

As Dan sat there, recollecting memories of the past, he heard a knock on the door. He got up, almost scared. He had no reason to be, but just the thought of knowing that today, their lives could possibly be changed. But could they pull through and overcome it?

He threw open the door to reveal Phil, in dark shades, with his mum, holding Phil close to her and slowly guiding him in. Her eyes were sad but she had a smile on her face, and Dan understood it.

Yes, he was blind, but at least he was alive. And really, that's what really mattered.

"Honey, I'm home!"

And still the same old Phil.

Dan watched as Phil slowly walked in, moving his walking stick around and reaching his hands out for something. "Dan?"

Dan couldn't help but smile and Phil's mum laughed a little, her eyes shining with new tears.

"I'm here, you dingo," Dan said affectionately, holding his hands up for Phil to hold.

Phil felt them briefly and recognized the familiar touch. He grabbed them and pulled it closer to him, happy to be back. Dan wasted no time in pulling him into a hug, resting his head in the crook of Phil's neck. "I'm so sorry I didn't stay," Dan whispered. "I wanted to-"

"It's okay, I would've been scared too." Phil stroked Dan's hair. "I'm just glad you're here now."

"Always."

Phil's mum left shortly after and things seemed to be fine. Sure, Phil's blindness did have some downsides, but Dan did what he could to make sure Phil didn't feel bad or sad; he wanted Phil to be happy, always.

"Are you comfortable?" He would ask when they sat to watch television. Sure, it was a silly idea, watch television with a blind man but Phil seemed to enjoy hearing what was going on and he didn't want their whole lives to revolve around the fact that he's blind. "I want to live like before," he said, "like normal."

And Dan did just that.

"Did you want your mug?" Dan would ask when they sat for breakfast and Phil reached out wordlessly for something in front of him.

"Need some help?" He would ask when Phil walked around the house.

Much to his own surprise, despite being somewhat handicapped, Phil seemed to be doing just fine. Before the surgery, he imagined himself screaming and crying, throwing a fit at not being able to see the world, his world, Dan; not being able to see his smile, see him laugh, roll his eyes at him when he made a bad joke, not being able to see him. But Dan took care of him, really good care of him so Phil never saw a reason to be upset. Dan was always in a good mood, he could hear his smile when he talked, he could feel the soft kisses Dan would surprise him out of nowhere. Phil smiled and sighed. Yes, he thought, things were starting to look good and he could feel it. Dan was doing every bring he could do make him feel comfortable and he couldn't be more blessed and grateful. Life was almost as it was before.

Or so he thought.

Though Dan wore a smile every day, deep inside, he was full of emotions; angry, frustrated, sad.

Angry that there was nothing he could've done to have prevented this tragedy, frustrated that he couldn't share with Phil so many beautiful things and sights to be seen and sad, sad about this whole thing; he was almost helpless. But he couldn't blame poor Phil, none of this was his fault, it's not like he wanted it; no one wants it. And the very fact that Phil still seemed to enjoy life, Dan had to show him, make him feel, let him know that he too is enjoying life, that he too is happy and okay; and that despite it all, their relationship wouldn't lessen. It will stand strong.

But the more Phil struggled with things, the more frustrated Dan got. Not at Phil of course, but at himself. He kept feeling that Phil's struggles were his fault, and while he kept it to himself, one day, it snapped.

Dan and Phil were having dinner, the sound of the television floating around the house. Phil moved his hand out, trying to find his glass of water.

"Here, let me help." Dan pushed the glass towards him.

"Thanks."

Throughout dinner, Phil struggled to try and get the pasta on his fork. He'd smile as he put the empty fork in his mouth. "It's a lot harder than I thought." Dan could see how positive he was trying to be, but even he could tell he was struggling.

"Phil, let me help," Dan said, moving closer.

"No, Dan, it's okay," Phil waved him off. "I've got it."

"Phil, you're struggling."

"I'm trying."

"And I'm trying to help you."

"I'm fine, can't you see?" Phil said, trying to keep calm. And that's when Dan snapped.

"No, no you're not fine!" Dan exclaimed, standing up. "You can't see! And I can see that you're struggling!"

"Dan, I'm trying, okay?" Phil said, his voice rising. "What if something happens to you, and when I need you, you're not there? I need to learn to take care of myself by myself."

"So why don't you let me help you while I'm here?" Dan said, desperately. "You can't see, you can't see me trying, Phil, I'm trying and-" He ran his hands through his hair, tugging it a bit. "-you can't see and," He begins to breakdown.

"Dan, what's going on?" Phil stood up and reached his hand out. "Dan, what's happening? I can't see-"

"Exactly, Phil," Dan cried. "I can, and I can see that you need help."

He rubbed his face, tears threatening to spill. "You can't see! You can't do everything by yourself." He wiped the tears down his face."I want to help, do so many things for you. But, but y-you won't see them and-" He struggled to string his words in a sentence and express what he was trying to say but his tongue failed him and his brain was mush. "I-I don't know, you-Phil..."

Phil reached out and grabbed Dan, pulling him close to him. He felt for Dan's face and held it, brushing away the tears. He took off his own glasses and looked straight, almost as though he was looking at Dan.

"Dan, my being blind doesn't change anything between us." He whispered. "Remember you said that? When we had dinner, at The Garden? Do you remember?"

Dan nodded. "Yes..."

"So why do I sense friction between us now? Are you afraid of me?" Phil continued his voice low. "Do you not love me?"

"No, of course, I do!" Dan cried, hugging Phil. "I love you so much."

"I don't see what the problem is." Phil had to laugh a little. "You get it because I can't-"

Dan pulled away from Phil and laughed as his tears fell. "Yes, Phil, I get it." He wiped his face and tried to smile.

"I wish I could see your face." He traced Dan's features. "Your smile, your smirk, you dimple, your eyes.."

"I wish you _could_ see."

Dan sighed, holding Phil's hand, enjoying the feeling of his hand on his face.

"I know I'm kind of, well, handicapped but I've got other senses." Phil continued. "I can still sense things, hear you, feel you," He moved closer to Dan. "Taste you."

They stood there, eyes locked. Dan stared into his blue visionless eyes.

"Kiss me, Dan."

Dan wasted no time in closing the space between them, kissing Phil. He started off slowly but then began kissing him harder, pulling him closer to him, more passionately before kissing him softly, opening his eyes to see Phil's closed. He pulled away and smiled, kissing Phil on the nose.

"I love you," Dan said, hugging Phil.

"I love you more."

They sat in silence, just holding on to each other. Dan felt bad for suddenly snapping. He knew Phil was trying his best to live his life as normally as possible, and sometimes it was hard for Dan to come to terms with their situation. But if there was one thing he could learn from Phil is that no matter what life throws at you, with a positive attitude, you can and will always come up on top. 

"I'm sorry for snapping," Dan said quietly.

"It's okay," Phil said, rubbing Dan's back. "I"m scared too. But when I'm with you," Phil smiled as he held Dan's face. "I feel like I can take on the world."

Dan beamed, wiping away his tears. He knew Phil couldn't actually see him, but in that moment, he felt like they were looking into each other's eyes. "Me too."

"So, wanna play Mario Kart?"

"Really Phil?"

Phil laughed. "You can help me, like when we played Portal 2."

"You were terrible."

Phil took Dan's and squeezed it. "Yes, but you will be there." Phil smiled. "Also, you probably sucked at giving me proper instructions." Phil continued, sticking his tongue out.

"Alright, listen here you absolute cheesehead," Dan exclaimed, now smiling as he wiped away his tears. "It's not my fault you don't know how to _follow_ instructions."

"Can't blame the car if the driver sucks at driving, Dan."

The two of them smiled at each other. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad. Maybe they could lead a normal life as they did before. Maybe-

"So are we gonna play or not?" Phil asked, squeezing Dan's hand.

"Let's see how well your listening skills are."

"You're on."

Yes, things were surely looking up.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i hope you liked this fic! i wrote it a couple of years ago on wattpad but never posted it (not sure why!) but anyways, here it is! :D  
really happy with how well the last story turned out (if you haven't seen it, give it a read if you'd like!) so i decided to post another one!  
anyways i love to read comments from you guys, so do let me know what you think, or any advice and tips you may have :)


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